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Your Effort Does Not Determine Your Worthiness

I thought I had to work to earn acceptance

 

It’s a common belief we pick up along the way

 

-       When I got good grades, I was told I was a good girl

-       When I got a B or less, I was sent signals that this was unacceptable which made me think I was unacceptable unless I was perfect

 

I started trying to earn my gold star everyday

 

I learned how to control external circumstances

 

To shape them so I could get the desired outcome

 

Many times, the desired outcome helped a lot of people

 

And that was amazing, but the truth was it was never quite enough to answer the question

 

“Am I lovable as I am?”

 

So it’s no wonder that as an adult, I got burned out

 

And even when I achieved success by the world’s standards

 

I still didn’t feel good inside

 

What was wrong with me?

 



Then one day, the light bulb went off during my morning devotional

 

It didn’t matter how many gold stars I collected

 

If I didn’t think I was worthy

 

I would never be satisfied

 

The same thing applied in other areas of my life

 

Like my marriage

 

My parents divorced when I was in high school

 

And it was a super tough break up

 

I love my parents, but my 16 year old brain came to the following conclusion:

 

-       We have been doing all the “right” things: going to church, working hard, presenting like a whole family unit (aka the perfect family -- what a crock)

 

Until my parents’ marriage blew up, and all kinds of new information came to light

 

My new thought was: it was all a lie

 

I spent the next 20+ years peeling back the layers on that one

 

And I’m so glad to report that I’ve been in a place of peace with what happened

 

My parents are wonderful people who did their very best, and I am proud to have been raised by them

 

Then God nudged me towards the truth one day:

 

I created work to be an expression of JOY; not a punishment or something that would earn love and acceptance

 

The absolute truth is:

 

-       I am loved for EXISTING; not because of what I can do or achieve

-       God created me to love my work – work is a form of play for me. Is it always fun? No. There are definitely some hard times. But when I reframe it as a game that I can’t lose, things get really interesting


The question then becomes, how do I want to play the game?

 

You bring so much joy to the world just for being you

 

You not having evidence of your impact doesn’t make it any less true

 

Are you reading this craving to have the same feeling and knowing?

 

Here’s my order of operations to get there:

 

1.     You have to get clear on what exactly it is you think you’re lacking to feel whole.


a.     Do you lack gold stars like I did that said, “You’re a good girl.”

b.     Or do you lack acceptance into a family unit, because you were adopted?

c.     Or are you struggling with your job situation knowing you were called to a specific type of work but can’t seem to break into that field?


2.     Tucked into each of those thoughts is an incorrect belief. Identify it


a.     “You’re a good girl” = your value is contingent on your work ethic and doing what other people want

b.     “You aren’t wanted” = your value is contingent on a primary caregiver choosing to keep you

c.     “You don’t have enough experience for this role” = hinging your qualifications on what some random person decides


3.     You have got to talk to your higher power and ask for the absolute Truth (with a capital T)

 

Regarding my false beliefs around my nuclear family imploding, I have feared the implosion of my own marriage. That thought led to fear in my body (my body was dumping fight/flight chemicals into my system) which led to me trying to control my marriage in all kinds of ways.


The reality is, I can’t control my spouse. He can walk out the door today, and I can do nothing to prevent it. By acting on the fear and being all anxious, drinking too much, and having ruminating thoughts, I was actually creating the reality I feared most

 

But when I started healing my own thoughts and behaviors, everything changed

 

When I decided to believe the outcome to the game was, “I always win,” I was able to let go of what that meant

 

Because if my husband left me, I now interpret that as God allowing him to be removed from my life to make room for something or someone I was more worthy of

 

Would it suck?

 

Hell yea

 

But KNOWING that it’s all working out for my good and to help others gives me peace and rest to get me through the hard times

 

4.     What evidence do you have from the past to prove this new truth?

 

Answer: literally every time something goes wrong, it sucks in the moment. But I am now so thankful for each of those painful events, because something even better always, always, always came out of them


Also, I have learned that when I give people now what I needed them, I heal myself a little bit more. It seems counterintuitive. But turning pain into purpose is a really powerful tool for healing

 

5.     If you’re still not feeling peace after trying steps 1-4, that’s where you need to approach your higher power again and ask for wisdom

 

I have shaken my fist at God. I have cussed at God. I have challenged God with things He said were true that didn’t feel true to me

 

God was always faithful to provide an answer or some type of relief. Maybe not in that exact moment, but the answer always came

 

Every relationship has conflict. We are conditioned to not make waves, but if you don’t have effective communication, the relationship is doomed

 

So why do you think God is any different?

 

I have learned God just wants me to hang out and have a relationship

 

So I’m going to ask:

 

How is your relationship with the God of your understanding, friend?

 

Not the God of religion

 

The God of YOUR understanding

 

But ultimately, know today that your value does not hinge on what you can do. But on who you are. And know that you are loved beyond comprehension with all your deep flaws and shady past.

 

But the most important person you need to gain acceptance from if you want to thrive is yourself

 

Email me if you need help with this process: alani@mightysparrowcoaching.com

 

You are more powerful than you realize, humble warrior


Love, Alani


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The (Humble) Warrior podcast comes out September 20th! I can’t wait to share the stories of incredible people just like you who have learned to harness their imposter syndrome to work for them. I’ll also be sharing my tools and tips to move you towards a life of genuine peace and thriving


Check it out on Spotify and YouTube – subscribe and hit the “notification” button so you can be instantly notified when the episodes drop

 

 

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My end of year event for 2024 is focused on abundance mindset!

 

I’m so excited to help you shift your mindset so you can finally:

 

-       Get out of debt

-       Start building abundance that supports you and your family

-       Creating businesses, nonprofits, or other world solutions to increase your impact

 

The event is a three parter -- Nov 5, 12, and 19 from 7-8:30 pm GMT (for European clients) and EST (for US clients)

 

Register here:

 

 

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